During our Natural Rest Group last night, the words ”attending to every part of our experience” came up in discussion.
I find this very important for me when inquiring, as my system then learns, experientially, to fall away from bypassing what my logical mind deems trivial, or insignificant to the process. However, with the experience of practice in fine-tuning my own looking, I get to read what my inner wisdom is mapping out for me to follow in the form of images, words, and sensations.
You could say, I keep learning the subtle skills of reading the compass of my inner world, allowing the grip of living through protective patterns to gently fall into the background, instead of them living me.
Shame is splitting me open – in a loving, beautiful, sometimes sad and painful way. It’s been here, hiding under my skin, most of my life. I say loving and beautiful because compassion and self care arises when it is met as it is. And sad because of the sadness that surfaces when I recognise it has been a suppressed part of my being for so long.
As a child, I was shamed unintentionally and unknowingly by my parents and society. My body, my intellectual progress in school, and my sexual expression as a teenager were all shamed, with layer upon layer of it developing as I grew. Eventually I began shaming myself from within. Hiding this shame from the world around me – especially from women – became a priority. Resentment towards women developed; I blamed them for what was being masked within me. I relentlessly attempted to keep this top secret deficiency story from the prying eyes of people, especially women. As exhausting as this was, exposure was not an option. As I see it now, this pattern went on for many years.
Why, after so long, is this shame only beginning to come into awareness so unavoidably now? The death of someone I loved dearly, the Living Inquiries, the falling away of spiritual bypassing and a shit-load of radical honesty have all played their part. With radical honesty, I get to turn around and gently meet my humanness – and all the sticky stuff that comes with it – head on. This has not been easy. Much resistance has come, both in the body and in the subtle tendency to self manipulate. In saying that, I also see the resistance as an innocent attempt to protect my humanness from feeling the rawness of the shame, grief, sorrow, hurt and anger.
If all of this means that I am not on your enlightenment list, please take me off it. What a burden that also is, and a relief to be rid of it.